Overwhelmed and settling down

Thanks Sin, for your encouragement. Haha, finally a *visible* reader!

Warning: Long post ahead. (Might be my last post too, depends)

Today has been a real emotional rollercoaster, the situation exacerbated by the fact that i had only 3 hours of sleep the night before.

The day started off with me trying to complete some work...gave up and decided that it was more urgent to clear the admin. work. What a whirlwind it was! Lots of things to return and hunting down the various people to verify (and in the process talking to many people, expressing my thanks and answering the FAQs). Finally, that was done.

Then, my students decided to trick me by asking me for consultation. Furthermore, it was already rather late into the day. Argh! It dampened my mood to think that they are so heartless to only think of consultation...Turned out that they wanted to give me a surprise party. I felt so bad misinterpreting them...:( Really! And I unintentionally made a close friend cry. I hate myself for doing that somehow, though of no ill intent.

Next were the touching moments. The cake, the card, the chit-chat, the present, the photo, the waves of goodbye. Yup, that was it. I did not cry in front of them cos' they were just so funny people. I am thankful that they welcomed me so readily into the class and though I may be sarcastic or may not know each of them as well as I would like to, they love me. What I am truly touched about these students is that none blamed me for my decision. In fact, one of my subject classes even wrote that they will never blame me. I think it shows that they are able to think beyond themselves and their own needs and for that, I am thankful and am proud of it. Of cos', it wasn't easy for me to come to this decision either but all I can say is that I have done my best. Believe it or not, I have. There are of cos' some black sheep students who are pretty heartless or maybe the connection is just not there but hmm...let's just forget about them.

Was also touched by the kindness of my colleagues/friends. Friend O willingly helped me to settle some admin stuff to tie up the loose ends. Friend W sent me home with all my lovely cards, photos and presents accumulated over the years. Admin stuff (photocopying lady, AV personnel, cleaning auntie and uncle, PA) - they were so sincere in their best-wishes for me. When they talked to me, I could really feel that they will miss me. For all their help and wishes, I am grateful. Of cos' then there were some colleagues who reacted to the news. Undoubtedly it came as a shock. I felt guilty about it for a while but I don't know what to say or how to explain it. Suffice it to say that when one is in the position himself/herself, one will know how it feels like. They have their points but I have my predicament. sigh. Afterall, one does tire of the attention one gets and the FAQs while work is being piled up upon you - at least I do. I only believe in sharing things with intimate friends and when I have come to terms with the things myself. When things are volatile or I am having a hard time, I prefer not to have the attention from the crowd.

I was rushing to pack my stuff in time to go down to town...but realised it is impossible...finally we sat in W's car with my barang-barang and soon I reached home. At last, I could catch my breath, and read my class' card. Don't know whether it is what they wrote, what they did, my colleagues' help, or a mixture of the two, I found myself tearing a little. I think I am just touched by the kindness of everyone around me. Not to say that I have angels around me (haha, my students are in no way perfect angels, neither am I), but I am blessed that many have chosen to show kindness to me. For that, I am grateful to them and to GOD.

It has been a long post...but I just thought that as I started off this journey with the online journal, it seems fitting to have a sort-of concluding post as well.

To wrap it all up, lessons learnt:
1) Teaching is full of ups and downs, you have students who may be nice and not-so-nice. If you want to survive emotionally, think about the former.
2) Life goes on with or without you. It is a fact of life. The argument that we are indispensable is a myth. It is more of a matter of time that people take to adjust.
3) Do your best but don't kill yourself. Sometimes, when you try to achieve more, you may realise that this is not what the students want, instead you are simply fulfilling what you want. Also, it is definitely not worth it to kill yourself over students who are not-so-nice.
4) Good students know it when you do your best. They may not say it, may not respond visibly to it but they see it.

I don't know whether I have achieved what I had wanted to do in teaching or whether I had already lost sight of it along the way. Afterall, it is really hard to do so in secular teaching. All I can hope is that through my testimony, may I have helped in some little way to point people towards Christ.

I hope that I can be more faithful. And serve God. Afterall, at the end of the day, what matters is not your money, your popularity, your intellect. I pray that I will have the opportunity to grow closer to God in the coming days.

Some may ask, if you were given a choice again to go back to the past, would you have walked down this career path? My answer is in the affirmative.