Overwhelmed and settling down

Thanks Sin, for your encouragement. Haha, finally a *visible* reader!

Warning: Long post ahead. (Might be my last post too, depends)

Today has been a real emotional rollercoaster, the situation exacerbated by the fact that i had only 3 hours of sleep the night before.

The day started off with me trying to complete some work...gave up and decided that it was more urgent to clear the admin. work. What a whirlwind it was! Lots of things to return and hunting down the various people to verify (and in the process talking to many people, expressing my thanks and answering the FAQs). Finally, that was done.

Then, my students decided to trick me by asking me for consultation. Furthermore, it was already rather late into the day. Argh! It dampened my mood to think that they are so heartless to only think of consultation...Turned out that they wanted to give me a surprise party. I felt so bad misinterpreting them...:( Really! And I unintentionally made a close friend cry. I hate myself for doing that somehow, though of no ill intent.

Next were the touching moments. The cake, the card, the chit-chat, the present, the photo, the waves of goodbye. Yup, that was it. I did not cry in front of them cos' they were just so funny people. I am thankful that they welcomed me so readily into the class and though I may be sarcastic or may not know each of them as well as I would like to, they love me. What I am truly touched about these students is that none blamed me for my decision. In fact, one of my subject classes even wrote that they will never blame me. I think it shows that they are able to think beyond themselves and their own needs and for that, I am thankful and am proud of it. Of cos', it wasn't easy for me to come to this decision either but all I can say is that I have done my best. Believe it or not, I have. There are of cos' some black sheep students who are pretty heartless or maybe the connection is just not there but hmm...let's just forget about them.

Was also touched by the kindness of my colleagues/friends. Friend O willingly helped me to settle some admin stuff to tie up the loose ends. Friend W sent me home with all my lovely cards, photos and presents accumulated over the years. Admin stuff (photocopying lady, AV personnel, cleaning auntie and uncle, PA) - they were so sincere in their best-wishes for me. When they talked to me, I could really feel that they will miss me. For all their help and wishes, I am grateful. Of cos' then there were some colleagues who reacted to the news. Undoubtedly it came as a shock. I felt guilty about it for a while but I don't know what to say or how to explain it. Suffice it to say that when one is in the position himself/herself, one will know how it feels like. They have their points but I have my predicament. sigh. Afterall, one does tire of the attention one gets and the FAQs while work is being piled up upon you - at least I do. I only believe in sharing things with intimate friends and when I have come to terms with the things myself. When things are volatile or I am having a hard time, I prefer not to have the attention from the crowd.

I was rushing to pack my stuff in time to go down to town...but realised it is impossible...finally we sat in W's car with my barang-barang and soon I reached home. At last, I could catch my breath, and read my class' card. Don't know whether it is what they wrote, what they did, my colleagues' help, or a mixture of the two, I found myself tearing a little. I think I am just touched by the kindness of everyone around me. Not to say that I have angels around me (haha, my students are in no way perfect angels, neither am I), but I am blessed that many have chosen to show kindness to me. For that, I am grateful to them and to GOD.

It has been a long post...but I just thought that as I started off this journey with the online journal, it seems fitting to have a sort-of concluding post as well.

To wrap it all up, lessons learnt:
1) Teaching is full of ups and downs, you have students who may be nice and not-so-nice. If you want to survive emotionally, think about the former.
2) Life goes on with or without you. It is a fact of life. The argument that we are indispensable is a myth. It is more of a matter of time that people take to adjust.
3) Do your best but don't kill yourself. Sometimes, when you try to achieve more, you may realise that this is not what the students want, instead you are simply fulfilling what you want. Also, it is definitely not worth it to kill yourself over students who are not-so-nice.
4) Good students know it when you do your best. They may not say it, may not respond visibly to it but they see it.

I don't know whether I have achieved what I had wanted to do in teaching or whether I had already lost sight of it along the way. Afterall, it is really hard to do so in secular teaching. All I can hope is that through my testimony, may I have helped in some little way to point people towards Christ.

I hope that I can be more faithful. And serve God. Afterall, at the end of the day, what matters is not your money, your popularity, your intellect. I pray that I will have the opportunity to grow closer to God in the coming days.

Some may ask, if you were given a choice again to go back to the past, would you have walked down this career path? My answer is in the affirmative.

A post

Experiencing rather high anxiety now. There's a lot to do, so much so that I don't have time to get in touch with my emotions. I must do many many things...... Friend, if you are reading this, please encourage me.

Hear God speak

O Rejoice In The Lord

God never moves without purpose or plan.
When trying His servant and molding a man.
Give thanks to the Lord
though your testing seems long;
In darkness He giveth a song.

Refrain:

O rejoice in the Lord, He makes no mistake,
He knoweth the end of each path that I take,
For when I am tried and purified,
I shall come forth as gold.

I could not see through the shadows ahead;
So I looked at the cross of my Saviour instead,
I bowed to the will of the Master that day;
Then peace came and tears fled away.

Now I can see testing comes from above,
God strengthens His children and purges in love.
My Father knows best, and I trust in His care;
Through purging more fruit I will bear.

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Job 23:1 ¶ Then Job answered and said,


Job 23:2 Even to day [is] my complaint bitter: my stroke is heavier than my groaning.


Job 23:3 Oh that I knew where I might find him! [that] I might come [even] to his seat!


Job 23:4 I would order [my] cause before him, and fill my mouth with arguments.


Job 23:5 I would know the words [which] he would answer me, and understand what he would say unto me.


Job 23:6 Will he plead against me with [his] great power? No; but he would put [strength] in me.


Job 23:7 There the righteous might dispute with him; so should I be delivered for ever from my judge.


Job 23:8 Behold, I go forward, but he [is] not [there]; and backward, but I cannot perceive him:


Job 23:9 On the left hand, where he doth work, but I cannot behold [him]: he hideth himself on the right hand, that I cannot see [him]:


Job 23:10 But he knoweth the way that I take: [when] he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.


Job 23:11 My foot hath held his steps, his way have I kept, and not declined.


Job 23:12 Neither have I gone back from the commandment of his lips; I have esteemed the words of his mouth more than my necessary [food].


Job 23:13 But he [is] in one [mind], and who can turn him? and [what] his soul desireth, even [that] he doeth.


Job 23:14 For he performeth [the thing that is] appointed for me: and many such [things are] with him.


Job 23:15 Therefore am I troubled at his presence: when I consider, I am afraid of him.


Job 23:16 For God maketh my heart soft, and the Almighty troubleth me:


Job 23:17 Because I was not cut off before the darkness, [neither] hath he covered the darkness from my face.

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Even when times are uncertain, I know that GOD knows everything and is in charge. Great things will God do to polish me - He doesn't promise a smooth journey but His protection is always over me. It's very challenging to follow such a God but with such a faithful and loving Father, all that remains is to do His will.

:( and :)

Dear blog,

I am feeling frustrated and bored now. Is it lack of rest? Or is the weather getting to me? I feel like I am melting and it's real hard to get things done...

Is it the weather? Is it that I am unsettled? Is it my PMS? Argh!

I shall quieten my heart by going to Him.

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On a totally unrelated note (but happier note :)),

I am happy for 2 friends.

1) the friend who is self-publishing a book - glad that you are realizing your dream

2) the friend who has found a precious lovely lady as his gf - glad that you have found someone who loves you. May that eventually bring you closer to God too.

Reflection

“We can love the world, or love God. If we love the world, there will be no room in our heart for the love of God. We cannot love both God, who is eternal, and the world, which is transitory.”

—St. Augustine of Hippo

Indeed, today's quote is apt. Limited time, resources and attention. How do we manage things? What is the line to draw between honoring God in your daily life versus wanting to do well in the vocation to which He has called you?

Frankly speaking, I don't have the answers. I am still discovering.

Finally I have finished marking. It was quite an impossible situation I must say, straining in terms of time, physical body and most importantly attention. I decided to attend church on Sunday - decided that I should make my feeble attempt to put Him first in spite of marking load at home. A few things cropped up during the week - 3/4of a day was gone due to a sudden arrangement, had wanted to stay up late yesterday but instead fell asleep unknowingly (cos I had already been doing staying up late for a few days)...but I guess God's plan is best. He cast a deep sleep on me so that I would feel refreshed to mark today...and indeed, this is one of my most productive days and I managed to clear my stuff without having to stay up at night (which would be the case using usual computation).

Conclusion: His ways are really not my ways...quite often I will feel frustrated because I can't see the big picture/ I don't know His plan yet. But one thing I am reminded of, His plan is always the best. All I need to do is to trust Him, come what may.

random

O.K. I've got important (and mundane) stuff to do... but I SO need a holiday. Yup, so much so that it's entering my dreams. Not once but twice and maybe more.